It has been almost 2 months since I returned from the UK. The first week back, I had a lot of life stuff to deal with, so I wasn't able to actually just settle back into normal life.
By week 3 back, the Post Vacation Blues really hit me hard. Then Covid hit me and got worse.
While I was away, I was able to forget my life troubles for a whole 3 weeks and it gave me such solace and peace to just be able to live outside of my tiny bedroom in my son's house. I wanted to cook again, I wanted to not worry about sitting so long in my office chair, and truly forget about the cancer I have. I had surgery and chemo a few weeks before I left to come to the UK, so I could not focus on anything cancer related!
But now, here I am back at home, wishing.... yearning.... to keep traveling and keep going! I want to visit Ireland next. However, all my credit cards have been maxed out and thus, no extra spending money. My side income stream has also come to a screeching halt. It reminds me that I could never do this without my full time job, and I could never live comfortably on disability in my own home. And so I am stuck here living with my disabled son and all the issues that come with that.
I need space to breath. I need space to have some privacy. I need space to relax and just be me. I have no space here. This is where my blues originate. I have not lived on my own since 1995!
I could have not gone on vacation, and used the money I spent to buy a house, IF the interest rates were much lower. But I chose to go on vacation, have some fun, and experience something I never would have otherwise, that improved my quality of life to have these memories that I cherish deeply.
I am reminded of parts of my book, the Cancer Care Book, that I need to shift my attitude to gratitude, and worry about the things I can control, not what I can't.
When you are going through cancer, it is so easy to get overwhelmed at the things that you cannot control and get stressed out or depressed over your situation. Even though I am well into my 6th year of dealing with my cancer, it is easy to get lost in sadness and dark times.
I think I deal best to allow myself the time to feel all of these feelings, get through them, and shake that shit off! It's easier said than done but I will always say, the key to your survival is a positive attitude, so when I am in these blues, I don't stay there too long!!
I got a tattoo in London that says "Die with memories, not dreams". This is a permanent reminder to me that life is so short and precious. I need to live! Even if I never take another trip abroad again, my intentions are to not focus on my living situation now, and to just get out and make these memories. Fuck my credit, fuck the system, fuck society, let's do this!!
I would be so grateful if you could check out my website, and hopefully if you find something that is helpful to you, please let me know for a blissful serotonin boost. Thank you friends! <3
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